Jianlong's essay touches on the first question of writing assignment 1 which is about comparison and contrast between the developing and developed countries' role in the climate treaty. Writing assignment 1 also requires the writer to cite deciding factors of a new treaty. Jianlong has presented his ideas in a systematic manners. In the opening paragraph, he gives the readers a insight of what his essay is going to be about, by highlighting the key points in the essay. He decides to break the body of the essay and tackle the political, economical, social and environmental issues surrounding the topic. This is a clear and systematic way of presenting ideas. However, he failed to understand what the question is asking for and thus the scope of the thesis is not quite right.
He went on to present his ideas in the following paragraphs and they sound fine. The main point of each paragraph is clear to the reader as his style of opening each paragraph is easy for reader to comprehend such as "Firstly i will touch on the economical factor.". The flow of ideas in the paragraph is also easy to follow. However, probably due to the above mention point about understanding of the question, his essay is merely providing the solutions from his point of views. Instead, he should compare and contrast between the two parties(developed and developing countries) and offer solutions based on the views of the two parties. His revised essay will be a better one if he can understand the topic and present his ideas like what he did in this one, the systematic way. =)
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Personally i feel that i have alot to improve on in my esssay, be it grammar, the structure of my essay, the unity and tackling the key points of the question.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Randy who has pointed out i failed to answer the question. I should have highlighted the problem and mind-mapped the essay with the topic in mind and develop my ideas from there.